Break Away Into the Light - Beating Social Anxiety

Learning to Love Myself

2009-10-03T18:51:00.000-07:00

The element that was missing, she found inside herself,
an inner strength so amazing, that filled her like nothing else.

Born of a thousand wicked wombs, the line of pain became clear.
Her path would resemble those before her, unless she could face her fear.

So many bruises and thorns that peirced, in the prison she built to survive.
She cried aloud to herself in the night "I don't deserve to be alive".

Yet the fire inside would drive her forth to save all that she could protect,
but the eyes she could not meet in the mirror - it was her own self she might reject.

But in time she would learn that no person or thing, could break her nor be her drug, and she looked upon herself and said, 'This person, more than anyone, I love".

New Therapist

2009-10-03T18:37:00.001-07:00

I finally started seeing my new therapist. I had to wait a few weeks to get an appointment, but I wanted to wait for her since she specializes in anxiety disorders and is affiliated with our local university, something the folks at SLBMI recommended.

I have met with her twice now, and some things are good, others I'm still having reservations about. She JUST graduated with her Phd, like two months ago, so not a ton of experience other than the two years they have to do while in school, BUT everything is still fresh with her and she really knows a lot about anxiety.....but part of me feels the experience, not just with patients but even just in life itself, is really part of what makes a good therapist but everyone has to start somewhere. Not everyone can be like my therapist at SLBMI unfortunately! I wish I could just talk to her whenever I want!...well I can sort of, if I want to pay $140 out of pocket for phone sessions. Yikes!

I'm going for my third session on Monday, and I'm going to talk with her about some of my reservations. Mainly, she made me a little uncomfortable during our last session...I felt like she would ask me questions about how I feel about certain things, and she would give me this long quizzical look like she knew better or something, or that I didn't know how I really felt and she could see the truth. I don't like that, and it's not going to work for me. I also felt like she was harping on the fact that she believes I'm more depressed than I am anxious and that she sense "an overall deep sadness" more than "anxiety". If she thinks that, that's ok, and I'm sure there is a grain of truth that maybe I do still have some lingering depression, but I don't need to walk around telling myself "I'm depressed", and I certainly am not feeling depressed. Regardless of what she feels, here's how I look at it. She's the expert when it comes to psychology....but I'm still the only expert there is on ME and who I am. No one can make assumptions about me after only knowing me for two hours.

Doing good is good enough

2009-10-03T18:23:00.000-07:00

I hate when I don't blog for a while because then it all catches up, nags at me, and I have to do a big recap. Not quite as therapeutic as writing more "in the moment" but it will have to do for now.

So....about the party like three weeks ago - went great!! I was feeling a little bit anxious about going, and once I got there I set myself to busy work, helping my friend perpare for the party. I think that was actually a good diversion tactic for my mind to keep me from fretting over the arriving guests. I stayed in the kitchen for a while after people got there, but I finally ventured out into the sun with everyone else sitting outside and well, I just blended in! It was very nice. I enjoyed conversation, didn't self monitor very much, and felt like I was having a good balance of listening and talking and being heard which feels very, very good. I have had bad habits in the past of either being super quiet, too afraid of being judged, or I'll talk way too much about myself and how things relate to me, without listening to other people enough. I'm getting much better at it. I call it my psuedo-asperger's side. ( :

Other than that, I'm just learning to be happy with life as it is for now, and trying to slow down instead of seeking instant gratification. Case in point: I got ahead of myself, as I often do when I'm feeling really good, and invited a bunch of people to a party. A good portion of people couldn't make it, which of course I took as rejection (temporarily) and had a meltdown and crisis of confidence between that and the slacking off at work issues. I've decided I'm going to make the best of the party no matter who shows up and it doesn't have any impact on my life as a whole other than how much fun I decide to have that night. I won't lie, I was feeling pretty bad about the whole thing, but then I went out to see some of the friends who couldn't make it and I felt so much better.

Time for a new exposure

2009-09-05T07:21:00.000-07:00

I have not had much time to focus exclusively on my SA the last few weeks, and it's time to get back in recovery mode. I've been doing fairly well the past week or so, which lulls me into a state of not thinking about it too much. There are some good things about that, but I want to continue making progress!

Just a few updates:

Much to my surprise, I have to admit the Prozac is working quite well for me. I really can tell a different - I wouldn't say it's HUGE, but it is noticeable. I feel less anxious and I feel a definitive "happy" feeling. It's not the "not happy but not sad either" feeling I had on Lexapro so that's great. I'm actually thinking about upping my dose to 40 mg (I've ready most people who take it for anxiety do well on 40 - 60 mg dose - I'm on 20 mg now) just to see if I can be even better. The ONLY side effect I've had whatsoever is insomnia....almost not worth it, but I'm hoping that will wear off in a few more weeks as I continue to adjust. It's no fun waking up at 3 or 4 every morning!
I finally will be back in CBT therapy starting next week. I have a new doctor that sounds very promising, she focuses solely on CBT patients and has experience with treating SA as well.

Today, I'm going to venture out on my own to go to a party...yes, a PARTY...and get this....BY MYSELF! My good friend is having an "end of summer" party and I really want to be there, even though my husband is out of town. There are going to be a few people there I don't really care for hanging out with that much, but I'm going to make the best of it. I feel pretty positive going into it, no butterflies in the stomach yet although they may show up as I get nearer to her house! I'm giving myself some extra time to prepare mentally before I go, so that this can be a true "exposure" for me and hopefully a very good corrective experience. If anything, I'll just keep repeating my favorite mantra "I'm not going to let the anxiety win anymore!"

To keep the ball rolling, I also have another Meetup for women with SA scheduled for Tuesday evening and I'm really hopeful that it will get off the ground a bit this time. I think it could really be a great experience for myself and the other women, since SA can obviously be SO lonely.

I will report back later on after the party today!

Perspective - Then and Now

2009-08-20T18:02:00.000-07:00

I feel I have neared the end of one part of my journey to recovery from social anxiety, but yet I stand before a path with even bigger challenges to overcome. The reward is very exciting - feeling normal and happy and accepted, no longer struggling so hard against my own life path.

I thought this would be a helpful time to get a little perspective on where I was just a month or so ago, and what I have accomplished. I'm notorious for downplaying my accomplishments (I'd rather sit around and beat myself up for what I didn't do! That's how you get things done, right? Just kidding)

So here goes, my some what abbreviated list

___________________________________________________________________

Before:

I was on the edge of becoming agoraphobic

Wouldn't go out to public places other than work or a drive through fast food without my husband

Couldn't go shopping unless I absolutely had to - sometimes I could but it was absolute hell

I felt terribly anxious driving everywhere, constantly hyper vigilant and feeling watched

I couldn't eat in front of people, and didn't even want anyone to know what I was eating

I had to avoid certain people in my office or take special routes to get to certain places

Eating in most restaurants was out of the question, I had a select handful that were "safe" and even then they had to have a "safe" seat available where no one could stare at me

I was too anxious to really deal with my dogs, and so I was neglecting them

I felt very anxious in my neighborhood, paranoid, and could not just walk down the street or even go out in front of my house, or in my backyard where the neighbors could see me

I had very little control over my own emotions and reactions to things that triggered me

I felt extremely helpless at times and panicked quite often, feeling there was no way out, that this would never get better

Interaction with other people was miserable, I was overly anxious and was completely focused on getting the interaction over as quickly as possible

I felt like I just hated everyone except those close to me, that everyone kept triggering me and it was their fault

I had no peace
___________________________________________________________________

Today this is my reality:

I feel little anxiety while driving. I still allow myself to turn the mirrors up if I'm feeling particularly anxious, but that is subsiding much of the time now

I can go pretty much anywhere I please in public, without fear of constant judgement

I feel more comfortable in my own skin and more at ease around people in general

I am able to eat in pretty much any restaurant I choose, and sit anywhere I like

For the most part I can go wherever I want in the office and not worry about what people are thinking or who is around. There are still a few people I avoid but I'm working on that

My anxiety is at a much lower level and I can now work on training my dogs while I stay calm and I'm even able to walk them every night in my neighborhood

I don't feel hopeless anymore. I have strategies I can use when things go awry, and I know that I will be okay.

I take time to take care of myself and make a conscious effort to work through my problems instead of letting them take over

I'm able to interact with other people in public and be as pleasant and as chatty as I want, depending on what mood I'm in

I feel more confident in myself once again

___________________________________________________________________

Life is much easier to live this way, not having to constantly worry about my surroundings and all the little things that should be on the periphery. I don't have to live in constant fear of everything, and I don't have to control everything either.

Social anxiety is all about fear - fear of judgement mostly, embarassment, inadequacy, fear of being rejected. If you don't keep it in check it will run your life, and make it a living hell. I have learned so many little things, many of which I keep in a special journal of positive things to read when I'm having a rough day. Here are just a few that are the most helpful for me:

I am in control of myself, my emotions, and my actions. I can't control anything else but myself, and I don't need to. As long as I know I can control my emotions, I can handle anything.

It's okay to feel whatever I feel, and I don't have to shut if off - I can process it and figure out what it means and think about how I want to handle it.

I am not the bad person I thought I was. I have self worth, and I have good qualities that are worth sharing with other people. I am not so different from everyone else that I have anything to hide or be ashamed of.

___________________________________________________________________

So where do I go from here? Well, obviously I have to continue with the cognitive behavior therapy and exposures. The list of "where I'm at now" is pretty steady, but I still have moments where I fall back to old habits - the difference is perspective. Now I'm able to see what the trigger was and how it led me to fall back. I also have a lot of other things I'd like to accomplish, which I've touched on before and are notably more difficult, but not impossible.

I'm still here and fighting!

2009-08-19T16:18:00.000-07:00

Wow, can't believe I waited two weeks to make a post but as you can imagine, I had a pretty crazy time getting back to normal life after my stay in Saint Louis. In fact, I must report truthfully it was downright AWFUL when I first got back, total emotional roller coaster but it looks like it has leveled out for now at least. I'm really taking things one day at a time right now!

One big change is that I decided to go ahead and try the Prozac...I know, I know. I really don't want to be medicated BUT I felt so overwhelmed my first week back I thought maybe I'd better try this stuff out. I can't say whether or not it is "working" just yet. I do feel better, more even keeled, and less anxious but I'm not sure how much of that is the medicine and how much of it is me using my own power to stay in control of my emotions (finally!).

It really wasn't all that bad to get back into the swing of things at work, but on the social anxiety front I haven't had much time and opportunity to do a lot of work on that. I haven't really done any true "exposures" but I have continued writing in a journal I bought myself as my gift for making it through the intensive CBT, it's only for positive stuff, and I read that if I'm having trouble.

I'm feeling a little bit worried about having a lapse in therapy as my new prospective therapist doesn't see me for another 2 - 3 weeks but for now I'm going to try and make as much progress as I can on my own. I guess tonight actually is my first REAL exposure since being back, but it isn't working out as I would have liked - I started a Meetup Group for women with social anxiety! I feel pretty brave sitting here in a cafe typing this up, even as NO ONE shows up for the Meetup but I kind of expected little to no turnout the first time so it's ok. Not a rejection (:

So many emotions, so little time

2009-08-03T16:56:00.000-07:00

With two days left, this isn't getting any easier. First day back to "work" on the social anxiety stuff after a lovely weekend, and let me just say....today SUCKED. I can't even imagine the amount of calories I consumed today, trying to numb my raw emotions. This stuff is the truly painful stuff - getting to the core of who I am and exposing it, making myself vulnerable to the world again.

I'm working to a greater depth on the "self disclosure" and mental blocks I have to forming solid relationships with people. The silly thing that broke me down this morning was doing a practice conversation with my therapist. OK, so that could never be completely natural as she is going to be evaluating what I'm doing and saying so some inherent pressure there, but it just completely exposed my feelings of being inadequate as a person I guess and unable to shake the social awkwardness, which in itself, is just a manifestation of my fear of being judged or rejected.

I wanted to rush back home like mad...and I mean all the way back home....close the door on this and say ENOUGH! But, I know I have to get through this and there isn't much time left, so I might as well make the most of it. My exposure today, as small as it may seem, was to come up with some topics and have a 15 minute conversation with my therapist where I would lead the conversation. I had some things in mind and talked myself up for it, it didn't quite go as I had planned (I think she was trying to help me along so I wouldn't feel like a total failure if it went south) and while it was OK, discussing it afterwards brought up all the old feelings of being a misfit.

I'm trying to get more clear perspective on things and see myself as more worthy and normal, and look at the good things I have to offer instead of manufacturing or focusing on my defecits. I'm still carrying around the baggage from my youth, all the pain I went through with ever social interaction it seemed, and my obsessive thoughts about being terrified people will find out I'm a loser because I don't have very many friends. But...I'm so terrified of everything, I don't ever let myself find out what it would be like to have a real true friend other than my husband - something I haven't had for a very long time. I've always felt really badly about myself because of that. It's another vicious cycle. I've got to stop beating myself up for having such a hard time making friends when I was younger - I've always said something was wrong with me and that I'm just not good enough. I have to be able to look at my true values and the good things about myself before I can possibly share those with other people.

I'm just so afraid of getting hurt....I've had so much pain in life. It's been easier to just shelter myself, cut my world off from it; even if it leaves me locked in my own prison, at least it's safe.

What lies ahead?

2009-08-02T19:04:00.000-07:00

A short post to wrap up the weekend and begin my final week of intensive therapy...

My husband visited this weekend for 3 days and it was wonderful, like we were on a mini vacation...oh and when he had to leave I felt my emotions plummet like the roller coasters I'm so afraid of. Now that he had been here, the physical place where I had been separated from him during this therapy, it leaves me aching to go home asap. Thoughts of ditching the rest of this and going home to relax and practice things at home for a week before going back to work is alluring and tries to justify itself as a good option.

Nope, I'm going to stick this out til Wednesday. I originally planned to be here a full three weeks but my therapists are going to a conference end of week, plus we agreed it would be best for me to get back home early and get readjusted before "manic monday" a.k.a. first day back to work in 3.5 weeks.

I'm spending the evening trying to delve back into the place I was mentally before my husband came to visit - focused on therapy and aware of what's going on with me. Doing a little reading of the SA book, and re-reading my earlier posts and journal entries is helping with that but there is a looming sense of anxiousness/fear/uncertainty about what comes next.

How do I make the most of my last three days here? There is certainly still a lot of ground to cover. Sure, I feel pretty darn comfortable out in public now and even a bit chatty with strangers, which is great, but as I've said before, the real challenge for me now is applying this stuff to REAL relationships and people I already know and that already know me, already have formed opinions about me. How do I get comfortable having long conversations without being overly self conscious? How do I stop assuming that certain co-workers dont' like me, or get over it even if they do, and how do I figure out which it is? (I don't want to annoy someone and keep talking to them if they don't like me)

All this and more to figure out, at least to put together a road map for figuring out, is the goal this week.

My Emotions Worksheet

2009-07-30T16:38:00.000-07:00

I thought it might be helpful to redraw my diagram I came up with earlier that helped me dissect my emotional blocks that come up when something is getting under my skin, and the strategy it helped me put together.

Triggers, Triggers, everywhere!

2009-07-30T15:44:00.000-07:00

Well things had to get UGLY before they could get better, right? You have to go to the deepest darkest part to be sure you're mending everything along the way - in that way this journey has been so interesting. Each time I turn a corner a new challenge or issue presents itself where I least expect it.

I have lots of triggers, they can be small or big, that set off my social anxiety, or set off my temper which feeds into my social anxiety. They keep popping up here and there like a flat tire when I leave my therapy appointment, just enough air to get to the gas station, and no cash to use the air machine, ATM card won't work...you get the picture.

This week I've mostly been working on improving my relationships with people and improving my social skills and confidence. I have a bit of a road map for that, started working on it - ok great! Just then, another seemingly innocent trigger rears it's head.

I go to my therapy appointment early today, thinking I'll relax a bit and read my book while I wait. For the most part I've been lucky about the small upstairs waiting room being fairly empty. I normally HATE waiting rooms period, too enclosed, too many people, don't want them to know why I'm there, etc. What do I find in the waiting room today? A large woman in one corner, and her three children (who appeared to be triplets, maybe about 5 years old) spread out among the very tiny waiting room, so there is naturally no place comfortable to sit. Children being children, they all fix their attention on me as I sit down wearily and grab a magazine to try and focus on, well, not focusing on them. They are all smacking away loudly on chewing gum, up and out of their seats every few seconds, asking lots of questions....my anxiety was climbing like mad and I knew it wasn't good. I knew the best option for everyone was for me to get up and go in another room. I didnt' want to have to do that but I couldn't take it. I DO at heart LOVE kids but I do fine them less tolerable when I don't know them, there are a number of them, and they are unruly.

I couldn't figure out why I was so bothered, or why I feel compelled to react in such a way. My therapist comes out to take me to our meeting room - she immediately knows of course why I'm standing out in the hall, and we go into a room right next to the waiting area, right on the other side of the wall. She leaves me very soon to do a writing exercise....the children begin running around, making all sorts of noise, I can't concentrate and I'm starting to feel angry. Angry!! She comes back and I ask for another room...but let's work through this, she suggests. I quickly realize that this situation reminded me EXACTLY of being in my mother's house, with the daycare right on the other side of the wall (basically in our living room) all the loud noise and chaos, mother yelling at them, and me feeling TRAPPED in my room. Can't even walk through the living room into the kitchen to get a snack - all the kids eyes on me, wondering what I'm doing, asking me questions. I run back to my room, angry, trapped, can't get any privacy or peace and quiet. It all came flooding back.

So, this triggered an uncomfortable memory, but I was completely blocked on how to handle situations like this that drive me nuts. My only thoughts that ever come up are to

a. control my environment somehow, or spend lots of energy trying to figure out how to control it to make IT STOP

b. Leave a.k.a. AVOID

These two options get me nowhere, expend lots of energy, and actually harm me in the end as I feel helpless, out of control, and bad about myself.

Then it started clicking - this whole thing that I'm doing, it's really about managing emotions! I rushed back to the condo to write everything out, even made a chart of how the emotions rise and where I can intercept it. Basically, I realized:

1. I am not powerless, and I can control my emotions and choose how to handle the situation

2. It's OK that I'm annoyed by a situation, I have a right to feel that way

3. The old habits of coping are harmful, not helpful, and not worth the pain

4. If I'm having a flashback from an old memory, I know I can acknowledge that and separate it from the current situation to realize the difference.

I now have a SOLID coping statement for dealing with all these annoying situations that I let get me so riled up. This is HUGE for me. I didn't realize this was the other big key to making me feel better about myself and enjoying life. I let so many things get under my skin and I've never been able to dissect it like this and come up with a real solution before. You can't just repress the feeling, or tell yourself you're bad for acting this way - you need a solution, a strategy you can fall back on when it happens, in the moment. I now have that. Hope is renewed!

Next up - working on being comfortable with VULNERABILITY - YIKES!!!!!

When things get UGLY

2009-07-28T06:20:00.000-07:00

After last night bringing up painful childhood memories and feeling stress about the next steps of overcoming my anxieties, you can bet I had a hard time sleeping.

In fact, I probably only slept 3.5 hours total. I must have woken up somewhere around 4 a.m. with everything flooding my mind.

- I'm angry with my mother still for messing me up, really angry. I've tried to forgive her and work on this before but it still keeps coming back.

- I'm facing the point of having to tear down a wall of privacy and protection I built over the last 25 years, not easy to do. This is big stuff.

- I'm really afraid when I go home everything will be the same and I'll feel even more hopeless than ever. Yes some things have changed and it's been great, I can go out in public now and feel comfortable doing just about anything I guess, but anyone I already have some sort of relationship with is a whole different story.

- I'm all alone here while receiving treatment and it's not always a good thing (although at times it's been good to have my space to process and do what I need to do).

Basically I was letting everything grow and grow in my head until I finally realized I couldn't go back to sleep around 6 am, and the feeling that came over me was not pretty and I don't like to admit it. But there I was, thoughts popping in my head about taking a bunch of pills, or slitting my wrists (that's the new common fantasy when I feel this way - as if to release the pain literally). I know that sounds horrible and it is. Deep down I know I wouldn't act on those things but it still leaves me feeling, especially right there in the very moment, that I can't handle this and maybe I would hurt myself or something.

I guess I'm just starting to feel like the public anxiety stuff is totally different in a way, from the interpersonal relationships category. Part of me just wants to say "F it" and go home, I can't deal with this - at least I can go out to eat and go shopping or driving/walking now, that's good enough. I know it isn't, but I really don't see how I can let my guard down around people. It's way too risky.

Letting go of privacy.....at what cost?

2009-07-27T17:38:00.000-07:00

I've been thinking about the issue of privacy and how central it is to my SA issues, and I wanted to dissect it a little bit here. What am I truly afraid of? Why does it bother me so much?

Privacy can range anywhere, depending on my mood, to not wanting to answer any questions at all that come with friendly chit chat (such as "how are you, etc. from a store clerk), to worrying someone will see my medical chart in a dr. office when they aren't supposed to, to someone knowing I just went to the bathroom, what I'm eating, what's going on in my life, and so on. Many of these are irrational, which I know on the surface, but again - when faced with the situation it's all too real.

My issues with privacy go back very far, as early as 4 or 5 years old. I was described by my mother and others as "a very modest child". My mother had to know every little thing it felt like, and growing up with a house full of kids in the daycare and sharing a room with my sister for a good while, there was not always a lot of privacy to be had. The daycare kids would nap in my room - I was afraid they would go through my stuff and touch my things. We only had one bathroom in the house for a long time, and a kid or two accidentally walked in on me when the lock wasn't working, or the key hole - I was freaked out all the time that someone was looking through it. To make matters worse, when I was very young my mother seemed to become obsessed with....TMI coming up for some of you....bowel movements. I guess she thought there was some problem maybe and she started trying to micro manage that, making sure I "went #2" and all that. Ugh this is even hard to write about but I have to get it out there. She unknowingly tortured me with thoughts and threats such as inventing a fake story about having a "trap" in the basement that would allow her to know for sure if I went or not. Before that she had insisted I not flush the toilet after I went so she could go in and check, but that freaked me out so bad I always just said I forgot and flushed anyway....so along came the "trap" which I fully believed was true. She would hold it over my head if I wanted something, say some ice cream, that she would go and check the trap and if I had been lying about it, I wouldn't get the ice cream. Yah...you wonder why I have issues with people hearing me flush a toilet!! She also threatened that if I didn't start complying that I would have to have this really awful humiliating procedure with my family doctor, it scared me to death.

Good GOD my mother was dumb, she really messed me up! She wonders why I can hardly stand to be around her....gee I wonder.

So anyway, my therapist is having me work on "personal disclosure" so that I don't immediately clam up every time someone wants to know how I'm doing or shows that they care about me. I usually push that kind of stuff away but it's making a lot of problems in all my relationships. I also, of course, fear judgement in the following ways when it comes to "sharing":

1. They don't care about me, or what I'm talking about so just shut up
2. I'm just going on and on about myself, they will think I'm self absorbed
3. What I'm talking about isn't interesting enough so cut the story short and quit making this person suffer listening to it. They are obviously bored.

My first task was pretty simple, or should be, - calling my sister (who is one of the few people that knows I'm here) and letting her know how I'm doing and what's going on - not in full detail but whatever I'm comfortable with. I haven't really wanted to talk with anyone about the stuff I've been working on other than my husband, or fellow SA folks who can relate, because I don't want to be vulnerable and expose all my issues, and then have people say things when I get back like "good job" or "wow you're so much better now" - that stuff makes me angry and I sort of know why but I'm still trying to figure it out.

That's all for now...I'm exhausted!

Oh wait - also went to the zoo today. I felt OK most of the time and wasn't worried about people watching me but it did get annoying with people shoving their kids in front of me or almost poking me in the eye pointing out the f'ing tiger that everyone can clearly see "LOOK - ITS THERE IN THE BAAACK SEE IT?????" or getting right on top of me with no regard for personal space just to capture that all important photo of a giraffe that they will probably never even look at again. I got a little agitated, but I stayed through it, remained pretty calm, and felt OK for most of it so that's progress!

Eating in Public

2009-07-26T19:12:00.000-07:00

My therapist told me that a lot of people with SA have issues with eating in public, but I know not all do so I thought I'd explain a little bit more of where I think that came from, at least in my situation.

I can remember as early as 3 or 4 feeling very uncomfortable with someone watching me eat. My mother ran a daycare in our home with about 10 other kids running around and stressing my mom out (the whole daycare situation really wore on me and a lot of SA stuff came out of that experience). The first time, I was having to eat lunch with another kid from the daycare and she being only about 3 yrs old, would just stare at me the whole time. Yah, she was a little odd, but it drove me nuts when she would do it! I tried to tell my mom about it and she would just get frustrated for me causing a problem and finally put a paper grocery bag over the centerpiece to block our view of one another. It made me feel really dumb and ashamed but temporarily relief that I could go back to eating.

After that, I didn't even like my mom to see me eating. I would request to eat after the other kids once I got old enough. She would micromanage so much stuff, including while you were eating. In fact, that little girl that was odd, I remember there being some big issue around her not chewing her food properly and my mom would discuss it with her parents. She would get in trouble for not chewing her food at our house, my mom would get frustrated with her, and it provoked a lot of anxiety in me. We also had to be careful not to scrape our fork on our teeth, or chew with our mouths open or make unpleasant noises - yes, it's good to learn manners - but meal times were rather tense in our house. Plus the old "you will sit there til you finish it" routine came up with me a lot. Geez, sometimes I just wanted to wait and eat when everyone else was gone from the table!

Somewhere around age 7 or 8 I started developing paranoia about various thing, and I made up this silly fantasy with my friend that maybe our parents were robots or aliens or something...and for some reason mine went into "maybe my mom is going to poison my food" and I began watching her anxiously as she prepared my food to make sure she wasn't slipping me something. I didn't like her to touch my food with her bare hands, or touch ice putting into my glass, etc. Believe it or not even to this day I don't like to see my mom get out a piece of cake for me or make me a drink because she always uses her hands and I feel like "why do you have to TOUCH my food!!!"

I think this combined with my weight issues has made things get much worse. I put on a whopping 60 lbs when I had severe depression and was suicidal, so I started eating sometimes in secret (binging but not purging) and was embarassed to eat in front of people that would possibly scrutinize what I was eating and judge me for eating something bad if I'm fat, or even thinking "yah you better be eating that" if I would order something healthy. Pair that also with my issues with people just being able to see my body while I'm sitting in the restaurant and thinking I'm fat...not good.

I would constantly check everyone around me in a restaurant to make sure they weren't staring at me, which probably invited stares anyway like what is her problem, and then it would turn into someone actually staring at me because they think I have a problem with them - at that point it becomes to uncomfortable to eat or do anything, almost paralyzing and just wanting to run the heck out of the place which I've had to "go out to the car" a few times and wait on my husband to pay the bill, etc.

For this reason, my coping strategy up to now was to scout out restaurants that were comfortable - had some sort of semi-secluded seating, no waiting in the crowded lobby for a table, no tables too close together, etc. We at times would end up going to three different places after finding the previous ones to be situations I couldn't handle. Drives my husband crazy!

Therefore, my big challenge this week is to work my way up to eating a full meal in a restaurant and being comfortable. I got a good start with the nachos in the food court and I'm not sure what I'll put myself up to tomorrow yet.

Anyways, just wanted to give a little insight into why this might be a big deal for me. Hopefully I'll figure it all out soon! My husband is coming to visit me (YAY!!) end of this week and I would LOVE to say "let's go out to eat wherever YOU want!". That would be a major triumph.

Another sign I'm on the right path?

2009-07-25T15:58:00.000-07:00

One more thought about the idea that the "Universe is helping me" or sending me little messages. The last place I went today before I left the mall was an intriguing store I've never had the courage to go into - Teavana. It's one of those types of stores where the clerks immediately want to help you, talk to you, etc. so was definitely on my list of places to avoid for a long time.

Sure enough, soon as I went in, I tried a tea that I LOVED and before I knew it I had racked up a $38.00 bill! Not that it's a ton of money or anything, but that's a lot to spend on tea in my opinion! (I got a tea brewer too if you're wondering why the heck it was so much).

I was feeling guilty and wary about the purchase afterwards, like I shouldn't have spent so much, I should return part or all of it.

When I got home, I decided I would just sacrifice something else I wanted to do and this would be my treat, and I was going to make myself a cup of what should be the best tea I've ever had for that price, and enjoy the heck out of it.

I took the items out of the shopping bag, and at the bottom, I noticed there was a message printed on the stabilizer built into the bottom of the bag. It said:

"Opening the Doors to Health, Wisdom, and Happiness".

It seems my tea purchase was meant to be after all (:

The Universe

2009-07-25T13:42:00.000-07:00

In the one week I have been here, I have already had an enlightening journey and today was no different.

I had a little accident last night (cut my eye!) that threw me down an old path of frustration and embarassment as I sought band-aids and antiseptic in an unfamiliar part of town. I remained fairly calm and determined at first, but then I lost my way, had to go to yet another store for the right band-aids, and about lost it in the process. I felt that I had back tracked after an otherwise very successful day of exposures, I had failed. Furthermore, I felt silly and dumb for having accidentally busted my eye in the first place - when I wasn't paying attention due to worrying about SA stuff - old habits!

By the time I got home, I was able to think of the situation as a test that had popped up, and while I didn't do as well as I would have liked, it helped me put in perspective the accomplishments I have made, and what I would still like to work on.

As I was explaining this to the therapist this morning, she said something that really interested me and that I had been feeling. "The Universe is trying to help you - it will not give you more than you can handle". It really was a test, a small one, to help me move through this process, and I could be assured that there would be more. Going on an exposure would always reveal something more, maybe a secondary exposure within it, surely opening up my awareness to an even greater level.

____________________________________________________________________________________

Once I arrived at the mall, I started at the bookstore since that's a fairly comfortable place for me now. I felt no anxiety going in or browsing as people stood or passed me all around. I made my way to the coffee area and found a girl to sit across from, who was eating her lunch peacefully. I felt absolutely no anxiety. I went ahead and did some deep breathing to be sure, but nope, nothing! I thought this is too easy, I need more of a challenge.

I wandered through the mall and then I saw my challenge appear on the sign above - "FOOD COURT". This has been an off limits place for me for so long, no way would I sit and eat with all those people around, so crowded and noisy and overwhelming. I always looked at my husband like he was nuts if he suggested eating at the mall. But now, it felt like the right challenge for me and I was up for it.

I wasn't supposed to even practice eating in front of others yet, especially not in a situation like this, but I wanted to just try eating a small snack, and I had a book to read and focus on to help me through the task.

I felt very calm for the most part, navigating the food court, eyeing the menus, choosing and ordering my food. Even as I set out to find my table, I was actually a bit excited, trying to find the best spot that would let me sit across from other people or around other people, really wanting to test myself. The old me would have retreated to the "safest" table in a corner or as secluded as I could get.

Believe it or not - I found myself sitting in the MIDDLE of the food court, people all around me, and I barely felt frightened at all. I did my casual scans of the people around me and my environment, and the amazing thing I found was that I was able to see all the beautiful and real things - the charming families, the lonely people, the boyfriends and girlsfriends - all going about their business and in the company of everyone else. I felt a part of it - I blended in - I was once again a part of the universe rather than some outlying comet headed for destruction. I actually felt at peace as I sat and read my book. When the tables near me emptied I longed for them to be filled again, I felt proud of myself. The time passed by without me taking notice...

I Always Feel Like Somebody's Watching Me!

2009-07-23T21:07:00.000-07:00

OK - I know this is silly - but I've always felt this was the perfect theme song for SA!!! At least for me it is. And the best part is - I had NO idea the refrain is Michael Jackson!!! I know I know, enough with MJ, but I'm a huge fan, always have been.

Anyways....what do you think of this as the SA anthem? LOL

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=CW7YqttuQmE

(sorry, have to copy and past I can't figure out how to get it to post as a link using the link function on the HTML editor!)

Day 5 - part two - On Top of the Mountain! (ok at least a small hill!)

2009-07-23T20:47:00.000-07:00

For a day that started so low, my meeting with my therapist really turned around my perspective, and within a few hours I worked up the nerve (or rather - calmed myself and prepared) to go out and do my assignment which was to spend a whole hour this time at Borders sitting in the coffee area with other people, by myself, just being there in the moment.

It was a little easier than yesterday, it was about the same amount of people (fairly crowded) and this time there wasn't that comfortable of a spot - I ended up taking a table actually next to another girl sitting down reading, and other people just two tables away on both sides.

I was practicing my measured breathing quite a bit (breathing from the diaphragm basically) and it helped me stay calm and cool. For the first time I was really able to stop focusing so much on whether people were looking at me and focus on how I felt physically and noticing the thoughts in my head instead of just reacting in fear.

I took notice of my environment, everyone around me, and once again, they were minding their business as long as I minded mine. I'm learning that so much of what causes things to go awry is my own attitude and the vibe I put off. At one point a guy sat almost across from me at a very nearby table and I thought I would have to leave (I'm rather afraid of strange men in particular) but I noticed the girl next to me didn't even look up at him, didn't bother her...and out of the corner of my eye, the guy wasn't looking at either of us, he just opened his book and started browsing. Normally, someone sitting so close and, how dare they, in the chair almost facing me, would have made my blood boil and I would have bolted out the door. I did some breathing, went back to my book, and made it through the whole hour!! OK - at one point at the very end he put down his book and started just staring ahead and I couldn't help feel he might be looking at me - I did decide I was only fudging a few minutes (plus I was bored with the book) so I went ahead and left, I figured I did good enough for now.

Now the amazing thing is, every experience builds upon itself. I felt good after that challenge at Borders, and I went on over to a couple of other stores and....I even interacted with the clerks! In a positive way! I wasn't the hurried jerk trying to get the F out of the store for once, making everyone else on edge. I was nice, polite, "myself"...for once. I found that they don't treat me badly or act rude to me or judge me, when I'm not giving off that "leave me the F alone" vibe.

I think overall, I have to say there was some definite growth on a couple of fronts today!

Day 5 - In the Dark Valleys

2009-07-23T20:29:00.000-07:00

So last night/this morning my assignment was to keep working on writing out my goals, based on the framework from the book "Dying of Embarassment" which was co-written by the director of the program at SLBMI. Helps you setup realistic goals, as well as objectives and a plan (with the help of my therapist of course as well).

I thought this task would not be that hard. I had some trouble practicing it at SLBMI, but I figured I had the hang of it when instructed to do the rest on my own. I'm telling you, this was NOT easy at all. I sat here this morning going into a tailspin in my head, as I often do when I feel overwhelmed, because I was running into so many mental roadblocks - like"how on earth can I think of what I can do to make that situation go well when I can't even get myself to the situation without talking myself out of it!" I wrote down all the road blocks and shared them with my therapist and she helped me work through some of them, but the biggest thing was the ending comment from yesterday: working through the guilt and the shame. Fun stuff!

Those things hit me big this morning, I felt overwhelmed by everything that lies in front of me to "fix" and I felt like I just wanted to turn around and go home, give up, no way I can fix all that stuff, ....oh but I can't keep living like this, maybe the easy way out is best (fleeting thought I assure you).

The biggest thing weighing on my mind was knowing that one of the keys to my success is letting go of a couple of BIG things for me that I feel so bad about doing in the past, and that have haunted me for over 2 years now. They are things I can't make right, I can't undo, and I can't even really ask for forgiveness from anyone. I felt like it was crashing down on me, I would have to tell one of the things to someone I hurt, and it could cost me everything.

To my amazement, my therapist helped me see that doing that would only benefit me, and would actually hurt that person much more than already had been done, and that it was just about me needing forgiveness. I had a hard time seeing it that way as I feel like I have to be honest and share the truth, and "do what's right". I didn't want to just cop out like I had in the past. But she pointed out that I could unlock the key to this thing giving myself the thing that I need - which is forgiveness actually from myself. I'm the one that has beat myself up over it and thought I deserved to die actually, I'm the one that carries it around and is so worried what people would think if they "only knew the truth" and then they would see I was really a bad person.

I've tried to convince every therapist I've had that I really am on some level a "bad person" - they don't bye it and I guess I'm starting to listen. I'm human, I made a mistake (many really) and I have to learn to forgive myself - very hard to do - but I can see what she meant.

I came up with a short list of big things I need to figure out how to forgive myself over. I always feel like I blame other people and what they did to me but the one I blame the most in reality is me.

I have learned in the past few days that I hold myself to really, really high standards and of course I hardly ever live up to those because I'm human and as inperfect as anybody. I don't like to cut myself slack, or when I do, I beat myself up for it later. Being kind to myself or taking good care of myself does not come natural to me nor is it something I think about.

I'm still not sure exactly how I will be able to come to a real point of forgiveness and quiet the other strong voice that says "you deserve this pain" but at some point I have to or it is becoming clear that my life will not change, and that isn't doing anybody any good. I was taking my pain and spreading it around, lashing out, eminating frustration and anger instead of light and joy - continuing to imprison myself doesn't make any sense - I can make better use of my life and do positive things again - I believe that is the only real way to "make things right".

Discovering the Roots....Day 4

2009-07-22T17:49:00.000-07:00

Today was a good therapy day - lots of good insights, and things learned. I also feel like there is more of a solid plan developing and while parts of it are scary, I'm starting to feel hopeful that I can change!

We talked a little bit today about the roots of my problems. Now I've done a lot of "self discovery" type stuff through traditional psychotherapy and just thinking about my own problems and I know many many things that feed into my problems. However, I was a little taken by surprise and pleased today when the therapist hit the nail on the head so quickly. After only having talked to me for a total of maybe 3 hours - she said "a LOT of the root of your SA is SHAME and GUILT". Bingo!! I kind of knew that but I had never linked that so clearly and directly to my SA.

A lot of the shame and guilt comes from my upbringing, especially in my interactions with my mother. I actually had a long open discussion with her about this recently and she has changed so much since my childhood, she actually took it pretty well and was willing to be introspective and really talk about it. It helped me let go a little bit of the tension between us, but I still feel it inside me pretty strongly. I have to let go of all of that now and build myself up from the inside and the outside.

We also talked about how central my weight issues are to everything, my fear of being judged based on my appearance and how I feel so stuck because I don't want to be fat and be judged as, well...fat, but I also fear being thinner because that will attract other kinds of attention I don't want (from men). It is also becoming crystal clear that I could not and can not possibly focus very well on losing weight until I fix the SA stuff. I sometimes confuse the issue by thinking that weight loss will help the SA but we came to the conclusion today that my SA was still very much there even at lower weights and I admitted I haven't felt comfortable in my weight since about 5th grade (so basically ever since I became aware of pressure to look a certain way). My SA started before that but the weight thing linked in about 6th grade when I remember being told I was suddenly getting fat (I had been super skinny "boney" up to that point) - duh! I was going into puberty, the body changes, and some girls put on a little bit of weight as they develop into a young woman. I had already lost that by the time I was 13 but I never felt the same, always self conscious after that.

Tonight I have homework to do based on a book called "Dying of Embarassment" written by the folks at SLBMI. I am starting with writing out some specific goals and then breaking down the steps to get there.

I feel positive coming out of today because it sounds like one of the goals overall for me through working with this team of people is not to just be able to get through different social situations, but to actually be comfortable in my own skin - something that has alluded me my whole life. Wow...I cannot even imagine that at this point but doesn't everyone deserve to feel comfortable in their own skin? I think so!

Psychiatrists? No thanks...

2009-07-21T18:53:00.000-07:00

Today I was "required" to meet with a psychiatrist even though I have no desire to be medicated. Ok, that sounds silly, probably no one wants to be medicated, but the thing is I've been down that road before and I just can't go back. I can't afford to waste another 6 months of my life while I find out the side effects and how it wears on me emotionally.

I have tried quite a few drugs in the past - Paxil, Zoloft, Effexor RX - all fairly briefly and with little success (I did try them long enough to try and see a difference, unless I could not tolerate the physical side effects). I dealt with phsyical symptoms ranging from excessive yawning, dizziness, shakey hands, feeling faint, stomach and bowel issues, etc.

The one I did find more tolerable was Lexapro. I took this for pretty much the entire year of 2006. I do not remember much of that year. What I do know is that while I was no longer in a deep depression, I wasn't really living my life. I wasn't sad, but I wasn't happy either. My diary from that time has tons of entries saying "I'm living just beneath the surface of real life". I didn't care much about anything, including what I was doing to myself physically. I developed quite an addiction to sugar at that time, and put on SIXTY pounds over the course of about a year. I watched the numbers go up on the scale each week, the stretch marks appear on my stomach, purchased larger clothing, and all the while it was merely somewhat interesting to me - I didn't really care as long as I didn't feel sad.

I know not all drugs are the same, but I don't want to end up in that place again. I feel confident that I can learn to overcome these issues naturally. I want to live my real life, for better or worse, not in some drug induced fog.

What did the doctor prescribe today? Prozac. I don't have a good idea in my head about Prozac but I don't know all the facts either. For what it's worth I will look it up but my bet is that prescription will end up in the trash instead of at Walgreens!

Day 3 - Exposing the fear

2009-07-21T18:32:00.000-07:00

So today I had my first real "assignments" to carry out, one in the morning and another one this evening.

The first one seemed really daunting to me, but so silly to someone without SA. I was instructed to go to the mall, find a place to sit, and observe the other people walking by and pick out the ones that shows signs of SA - since most people with SA do a lot of the same coping behaviors.

The thought of sitting in the MIDDLE of the mall ALONE totally freaked me out - I thought everyone would be looking at ME! What the heck is that girl just sitting there for watching everyone? On top of that I was feeling particularly fat and bloated today, not wanting to be looked at or judged by anyone.

I made my way to the mall before my psychiatrist appointment, and found a somewhat comfortable entrance where I could park a little bit close to the door. First thing when I made my way inside - right there, a guy sitting on a bench looks right at me and I must have given him quite the "what are you staring at look" but instead of engaging in the panic I focused on my mission, turning into the first corridor in search of a safe place to sit. The first signs were not good - all seating areas already with plenty of people sitting in them, not something I was going to join. Then, I finally spotted a completely open bench near a tree, that was positioned pretty well out view from anyone inside a store, and from most of the people sitting up ahead.

I couldn't just sit there and watch people...that would put me on the other end of things and would invite people to look back at me wondering why I'm just sitting there. My good old cell phone came in handy as a safety prop - as silly as I felt, it totally worked. There is something about passing by a person on a cell phone that makes them feel like less of a threat as they are already engaged in something, so I thought I might get less looks too especially since there is now a reason for sitting there all alone. So...I pretended to have a conversation with my husband about the people walking by and why I thought they looked like they might have SA, how many of them I saw, etc.

Now, I know part of the experiment was to help me see that other people have this problem and I should not be ashamed, but it was also to start desensitizing me to just being around people going about their everyday lives, that they are not really noticing me much, and that there is no real danger or judgement going on.

Observations:

1. People were going about their business, not really paying attention to me NOR anyone else for that matter. The shoppers were not looking each other up and down and judging how they were dressed, how much they weighed, etc....if they were, they sure hid it well!

2. I did notice about 4 other people with possible SA - one guy I was 90% sure as he hurried past me, looking around everywhere at his surroundings, tugging at his clothes, looking down at his shoes, checking everything - I could tell he was totally uncomfortable and caught a glimpse of why I actually do attract attention to myself sometimes - because of my coping behaviors.

3. I had expected that about 75% of the people would probably notice me, look at me, etc. In reality, only about 25% did and those were mostly passing glances.

My therapist made me feel even better about the situation when I told her how silly I felt about the cell phone - she told me that a ton of people use cell phones as props whether they have SA, or just don't want anyone to bother them, want to avoid a certain person, etc. I thought that was pretty funny but I imagine it is true.

So...no panic attacks or anything. It was an uncomfortable experience but pretty mild compared to others. My therapist assured me that things would get tougher, which sucks, but I do want to leave here after three weeks being able to do more than just sit in a mall or shop!

2nd assignment this evening was pretty much the same - go "observe" more SA and non SA people at the bookstore. This one was more panic inducing, I felt the nerves in my stomach, tight chest, holding my breath as I couldn't find a place to sit that wasn't super crowded. I finally worked up the nerve to go sit in the main "coffee" area with all the tables and chairs - I spotted one table that was in a position between groups of people that wasn't too vulnerable but gave me a decent view of the other people around. It was a little tougher observing in that situation since people were stationary rather than passing by, but I thumbed through a book while occasionally glancing around to notice that:

a. As long as I wasn't obsessing about other people watching me, and I was going about my business, they were going about theirs and not paying me any attention other than very casual "scanning the room" type glances.

b. I was able to stay the entire 30 minutes as I was instructed to do - the anxiety did dissipate a little bit towards the end but overall, it was actually more difficult than the mall task.

Tomorrow - onto bigger things I suppose!

Day 1 and 2

2009-07-20T21:29:00.000-07:00

Day 1 - I arrived on Saturday after a long and tiresome 4 hour drive, and went straight to the center for my first appointment before even checking into the condo. I had previously done a phone interview with a different person, to determine if their services would be appropriate for me and if I would benefit from coming here.

I went over some of the same details with the director of the center, whom my Saturday appointment was with. He was funny and light hearted, and generally put me at ease and made me feel very comfortable sharing my issues with him. He assured me that we would make the most out of the three weeks I have to spend here, and that SA is very treatable if you are motivated to change.

While I definitely want to get better, I know this process is NOT going to be easy - it will involve making myself do some of the things I dread the most in order to learn how to deal with those situations, and to learn that there is no reason for fear. Luckily we will start with small things and work my way up. The director told me there is no use in trying to skip ahead in the levels of the program, but I can spend as much time focusing on each level as I want to try and get through them more quickly or to be more solid in my readiness to move on.

A couple of first things I took away from this meeting:

a. People with SA are NOT good at mind reading, even though most think they are experts at it. He proved this to me with a couple of light hearted examples, and while I knew this on a "cognitive level", it did help put it in perspective. Hey, my husband was right after all, I shouldn't try to get into other people's heads!!

b. My reactions to "fear" are actually normal, it's just that my "triggers" are over reacting when there is no real danger or reason to be afraid. I need to learn how to better perceive reality and separate my emotions and fear that I have been holding onto for safety for so long.

c. He helped me realize that I hold the people I get close to in my life to rediculously high standards, and find it very had to forgive once they have failed me. I in turn, hold myself to those same overly high standards and beat myself up constantly when I don't measure up. It is all a part of the way I try to protect myself from the pain that people can cause me but in the end, it just makes me more alone as I continue to "cut people out" of my life.
__________________________________________________________________

Day 2 - Today (Monday) I waited for a call from the center - hoping I could start my intensive sessions today which I thought would be about 4 - 5 hours. It looks like it will be more like 2 or so hours per day with outside assignments on top of that. I hadn't heard from anyone by noon, so I called and it seemed I was supposed to somehow know that I was to come in. I was eventually told that I should come in at 4 pm to meet with yet a third person. It was unclear at the beginning that this is the person who would be working with me one on one throughout my time. I was somewhat put off that I waited around all day to just have a 90 minute meeting at the end of the day, feeling I could have just come here Monday instead of Saturday - oh well!

Hiding in the Shadows

2009-07-20T21:04:00.000-07:00

One of my favorite games growing up was hide n' seek - only I didn't want to be found! I loved finding some secluded place to hide myself, I liked the comfort of it. Even now, I have the urge to retreat to my walk in closet and curl up if I feel like crying!

I've been hiding in the shadows for most of my life, or at least attempting to in every way possible. The pain of social anxiety began leaving it's mark on my life from a very early age, as young as 3 or 4 years old. It has ebbed and flowed since then, and for reasons beyond my control or even comprehension, it has reached new heights and pushed me to new lows in recent months.

A little about me - I am a 30 year old woman, married going on 5 years to a WONDERFUL and supportive husband. I don't have any children yet; that seems far off for now. I do work full time outside of the house. I consider myself to be artistic (love painting and sewing) and I have so many interests I would love to pursue, from astronomy to gourmet cooking, music and dance, you name it. The trouble, as you can imagine, is that SA gets in the way of almost all those things. I joined a dance class early this year - never went back after the first session, practically the most panic inducing experience of the last year or so. I joined a painting class after desiring to do so for a LONG time - I quit after three sessions as I couldn't handle the constant judging from my classmates as they walked around the room ever 10 minutes eyeing everyone's progress.

SA has affected me in so many ways, and limited my life. I explained to one of the clinicians at the institute that I feel I have missed out on about half of my life. The evidence for this: I have very few friends (like 3 total that are more than acquaintances or co-workers), I am unable to join my husband on his social adventures, I have very few pictures of my life from the past 15 years, and I avoid doing so many things that are a part of daily life and living a happy life.

I'm sure most people with SA probably develop a lot of coping skills to deal with the things they have to keep doing despite the discomfort it brings us. I will share with you some of mine to illuminate just how out of control this "disease" has become:

I drive with my mirrors pointed up and outwards so that no one can see me in my car
I am so self conscious of all the weight I put on, I often wear a light jacket or sweater tied around my waist - it probably doesn't help hide anything but makes me feel more "safe"
I keep all of my blinds and curtains closed at home so the neighbors can't see in my house
If I eat in a restaurant it has to be not too crowded, no waiting, and I must sit in a booth somewhere near a corner and face the wall. I never go out to eat alone
I try to avoid making eye contact or talking with clerks or waiters
On work days I usually eat while driving in my car so that no one will see me eating, especially if I'm eating something unhealthy
I have pretended to be talking on my cell phone while in my car waiting to go into a store or something, if there are other people lurking nearby or getting out of their cars at the same time
I arrive extremely early at meetings to "get a good seat" so I can be in the back and not out in the "center of attention"
I have made sure to avoid almost all pictures for the last few years especially when I was at my highest most embarassing weight.
I very rarely anymore go out to places without my husband other than to work. This last fact is a major realization and factor for me seeking further help now.

I have tried some therapy in the past, mostly for depression. I really didn't know about social anxiety until probably 3 - 4 years ago and didn't think it was the core of my problems. However, I have NEVER done CBT (Cognitive Behavioral Therapy) and this, combined with gradual exposure therapy, will be the course of treatment at SLBMI.

The First Step...

2009-07-18T17:20:00.000-07:00

Well, here I am...in Saint Louis, MO....4 hours away from home in a strange condo I'm renting from a stranger. I feel out of place, out of my comfort zone. That feeling follows no matter where I am though, and it's what led me here.

I decided to chronicle my experience in seeking intensive treatment for Social Anxiety Disorder, partly because I am alone here and need to express my thoughts, and partly because I hope others might happen upon this blog and gain something from my experience too. I know first hand how difficult it is to get REAL help for this problem, and I can't imagine how many people there are suffering, alone, and ready to give up hope.

For the next three weeks I will be spending time daily at the Saint Louis Behavioral Medicine Institute. They offer an intensive outpatient option, a partial hospitalization program, among other modes of therapy. From my understanding and research online, this is supposed to be a place that specializes in anxiety disorders, including social anxiety, OCD, and more.

Obviously I don't live in Saint Louis, so I have had to arrange to take these three weeks off from work through a combination of vacation time, sick time, and FMLA (Family & Medical Leave Act) as well as short term disability. I chose to come for three weeks because it was suggested to me by the intake coordinator that any less than that I probably would not benefit enough from; any more than that would make it too difficult for me to keep my job and be able to afford financially the cost of care and being away (renting, reduced pay, etc.)

Oddly enough I do not have concrete expectations on what I will come away with three weeks from now. I hope to have a better understanding of myself and the world around me, and how to interact with the world in a way that doesn't cause me pain and suffering. I hope to gain some confidence in myself, and be a bit carefree so that I can just live my life peacefully. I don't expect to be a brand new person in such a short time, but at the very least I will learn valuable skills to cope with daily life that I can continue to build upon after I leave here.

I hope if you are reading this that you will find my experience helpful in some way!